Article
Achieving Groundedness When
Dealing with Fertility Issues
By Lee Hullender, MS, LAc
Intro
It is 4:17 a.m. Marian* found herself awake again.
"It has been nine days!" she reminded herself. Practically leaping out of bed like a child on Christmas morning, she headed into the bathroom. It had been a restless night, but she remembered having a home pregnancy test in the bathroom.
This was her first In-vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle. Marian’s embryos had been carefully transferred back to her body nine days ago. The test claimed accuracy as early as nine days after ovulation.
After urinating on the stick, Marian avoided peeking at it too early and calmly walked out of the bathroom, trying not to wake her husband. Three minutes later, she walked back into the bathroom to see the test window.
There is only one line. “Not pregnant,” she thought to herself, eyes filling with tears. At once, she felt her heart sink into her abdomen. She sat down on the toilet and sobbed quietly, hoping tomorrow the test tomorrow would be positive.
The diagnosis
In my acupuncture practice, patients have told me variations of this story many
times. In America alone, it is estimated that one in every four couples has
difficulty conceiving. Officially, a woman is considered infertile if she is
under 35 years old and has unsuccessfully tried to conceive for a minimum of 12
months. If she is over 35, then she is diagnosed as infertile if she has been
unsuccessful in conceiving for six months. Thirty to forty percent of the time
this is due to the female partner. Another thirty to forty percent of the time,
the challenge rests with the male partner. The remaining twenty to thirty
percent show the problem being shared between both partners. Same sex couples
were not factored into these statistics. These statistics are important in
showing how prevalent this challenge is in our society.
Many technological advances in modern medicine offer hope to childless couples wishing to conceive. Not only can multiple eggs be retrieved from a potential mother’s ovaries, but also each egg can be manually fertilized with a single sperm injection. These fertilized eggs develop into fragile embryos that can then be biopsied and tested for genetic abnormalities to help further ensure success. The best embryos are selected and then skillfully transferred back to their mother where they will implant and hopefully result in a healthy pregnancy. If successful, nine months later the parents will welcome a new addition to the family.
This is amazing and powerful progress in medicine. Sadly, it doesn’t always work. For some couples it can take multiple cycles. In my own practice, I had one patient who had done 11 cycles before the last one was finally successful last year.
A person reading about IVF may not necessarily understand the difficulty or the intensity of the process. How does a couple navigate this arduous ordeal that so deeply challenges the body, spirit, mind, emotional well-being and, the pocketbook? In simple terms, the couple can stay grounded by taking care of each part of themselves. If they pay attention to the mind, the body, and the spirit and heed their feedback, they can survive this ordeal without the enormous strain many people experience during fertility challenges.
Struggling to conceive
For several years, Terry* had been trying to have a baby with her husband of six years. They had done several Clomid** cycles with intra-uterine inseminations (IUI). Those were unfortunately unsuccessful, so Terry and her husband decided to be more aggressive and undergo
IVF. After her third unsuccessful IVF, they decided to take a break.
Terry came to see me to help her prepare for her fourth IVF. During the IVFs, she found herself more and more depressed. She described this time to me as a period of experiencing her lowest sense of self-esteem. She began hating her body and feeling rejected by it. She reported feeling on edge all of the time, having difficulty concentrating on anything other than becoming pregnant. She hated going to baby showers and her heart broke every time another friend or acquaintance became pregnant. She was beginning to doubt it could happen for her, but could not bear giving up. Her relationship with her husband became somewhat strained as intercourse became routine and passionless. Terry felt more and more betrayed by her body and wondered how much time she had before the doctors would not allow her to do another cycle. She was mentally and physically exhausted.
The first thing we did was work on her exhaustion. I gave her breathing exercises to do between acupuncture sessions and asked her to begin keeping a daily journal. When she became stronger, I began discussing the idea of being grounded with her.
What is being grounded?
Being grounded means being present in this very moment without any attachment to
the outcome. In this case, it means attempting to conceive without having any
attachment to producing a baby. I may have just lost some readers there, but
please, hear me out. Releasing attachment does not mean releasing any intention
of having a baby. It means releasing oneself from the pressure to perform,
produce or achieve success. This release allows one to breathe, to soften, and
to be more receptive to pregnancy.
Marian and Terry were not very receptive to this concept at first – especially the bit about being okay about not having a baby. This is absolutely normal. When the mind has been reacting to certain stimuli in a specific way for an extended period of time, the prospect of changing that can be a bit overwhelming. There is a resistance to change. Again, this is completely normal, but I continued to encourage them to consider shifting their thoughts away from making it happen.
How is it even possible to not be attached to the outcome when one is trying to conceive? This can be a difficult idea to get one’s mind around. Yes, a person can release that attachment. Letting go allows the body to be open in every sense. The hips relax, the adrenal glands start to lower their output, the muscles soften, and the mood lightens. This is a very hospitable environment for conception.
Have you noticed the people around you who don’t seem to be putting any energy into becoming pregnant suddenly ring you up to give you the good news? Meanwhile, you are trying every procedure you hear about and think might help, but still no positive pregnancy test. It is not fair but, the body that is unable to be open is a less than optimal place for conception.
Terry, after four months of working together, actually conceived naturally. She made several huge shifts in her life, but the first one was achieving groundedness. Marian conceived on her second IVF and now has a beautiful son.
Achieving groundedness
Here are some simple steps to help you achieve groundedness. They are in no
particular order.
1. Create your intention. Make a clear statement that you are ready to be a parent, but can still be present in this world if it does not happen. This is a clear intention without fear or anxiety. By being okay with the potential of not being a parent, one can transition away from the pressure, anger and sadness.
2. Love your body. This can be the most difficult step for some. Loving the body means accepting it where it is right now, appreciating it for all it does, forgiving it for what is has not done. It is very easy to slip into a pattern of self-condemnation. When you hear the words coming up in your internal or external dialogue, acknowledge them. Instead of saying you hate your body, shift your thoughts to accepting it as it is. Remember, you and your body are working together as a team. It is not betraying you. It is reacting to the stimulus it is receiving.
3. Letting go. Acknowledge it is impossible to control everything. Continue working toward a softness and openness that is present in this moment and not wrapped up in the future or past. While it may seem impossible to envision letting go while one is wrapped up in the frenzy of trying to have a baby, it can be done. This step often requires some outside help because we can intellectually see how to let go, but the process may require some assistance. Here are some ideas:
a. Counseling. Talk therapy or counseling that focuses on moving forward can be exceptionally beneficial for some. It helps to have guidance when exploring the ideas of creating an intention, loving the body and letting go.
b. Creative outlets. Journaling or blogging about one’s struggles can facilitate a release of emotions for some. Others sing about it, paint about it, or draw about it. The key here is to utilize a creative activity to encourage movement forward versus perpetuating negativity.
c. Retreats are a way to create a community of likeminded individuals with similar struggles. The Fertile Soul (www.thefertilesoul.com) retreats use meditation, yoga, Qi Gong, acupuncture, counseling and other activities that help transform the self to one fertile abundance. Mind-Body classes are also another option.
4. Take care of your body. Treat yourself well by breathing deeply, eating for optimal nutrition, and listening to yourself when your body says it needs water, exercise or rest. If you need supplemental care, acupuncture, massage, moderate exercise, yoga for fertility, and meditations are all excellent ways to take care of your mind, body, and spirit. You do not have to do them all to get a benefit. Start with the one that most easily fits into your schedule. You can purchase meditation CDs at www.anjionline.com and yoga DVDs at www.yogaforfertility.com or www.yogajournal.com.
5. Create a community. Getting involved in a group that shares your interests and concerns can provide support when you feel like no one else understands. This group can be in-person or virtual. The internet can become an extremely useful tool here. Resolve (www.resolve.org) has resources for group meetings as well as many online forums that are easy to access. Many fertility clinics have resources for mind-body classes, counselor groups, and yoga for fertility classes. Also, people often appreciate the yoga class has resources for group meetings as well as many online forums that are easy to access. Many fertility clinics have resources for mind-body classes, counselor groups, and yoga for fertility classes. Also, people often appreciate the yoga class not only for the gentle exercise, but the community it helps to build and sustain.
Conclusion
Achieving groundedness when dealing with fertility issues is no small task, but
absolutely possible. It may seem at this moment that becoming a parent is
impossible or unlikely. Marian and Terry felt this in the deepest core of their bodies. They were able to transform this negativity to inspiration and
acceptance.
The Chinese say, each journey begins with the first step. Whatever your first step may be, may it be the first steps toward a more abundant, fertile, and grounded you.
* Not her real name.
** Clomid (clomiphene citrate) blocks estrogen receptors in the body and tricks the pituitary gland into releasing more follicle stimulating hormone (FSH). This increase in FSH triggers
the ovaries to respond and develop more follicles during the follicular or pre-ovulation phase. Clomid is often the first fertility drug one is prescribed.
Lee Hullender, MS, LAc, Dipl. OM, is an acupuncturist and herbalist in Bellevue, WA. She practices out of her own Bellevue clinic, Abundant Spring Fertility Acupuncture, and a fertility clinic, Northwest Center for Reproductive Sciences, Kirkland, WA. Her entire practice focuses on treating male and female fertility issues. She resides in Seattle with her husband and dog.
